Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize