I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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