An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
