The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize