Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
