Betty ford says i'm here all night
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize