Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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