I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
