If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
