then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Randomize