im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
