dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
