the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
