First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize