After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
