Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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