I wish I could teleport
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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