It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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