i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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