My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
