I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
