There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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