I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
