Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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