So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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