fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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