Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
