Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
