He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
