I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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