The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
