Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
