So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
