I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
