I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize