I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
