OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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