My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This baby is an asshole
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
