i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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