The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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