We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
