it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
