She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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