It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
