how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
