went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
