Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize