i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
