Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
