I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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