Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
