I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize