I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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