This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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