I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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