Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
