Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize