Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize