good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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