We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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