Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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