Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
