I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
