The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
