you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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