Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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