It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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