I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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