So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
