But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
