I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Mom said you looked used
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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